Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Dear DPE: Advice to the Concerned and Confused

Editor’s Note:  The DPE does not get ‘Dear Abby’ type letters but if he did here is what they would be and what  he would say.

Dear DPE: 

I love college basketball but am sickened by the degradation it causes in the integrity of our college and university system.  How can I keep on watching it?

Signed: Upset in Chapel Hill

Dear Upset: 

What you have to realize is that major college athletic programs no longer have any relationship with the college or university sponsoring them except for the brand.  So you need to divorce the actual operations of higher education from the sports activities and just concentrate on enjoying the action, knowing that other than sharing a name the team and the college have no other relationship.

Dear DPE:

I mistakenly bought an Ivanka Trump item and now the store will not take it back because they said even if they put it back on sale nobody is buying ‘this crap’ anymore (their words, not mine).  What do I do with ‘this crap’? 

Signed:  Shamed In Seattle

Dear Shamed:

Your local Goodwill store will take it as a donation, but we talked with them and they said you will have to cut out the label first before any of their staff would handle it.  Your other choice is to save it for Halloween but we would not advise doing that as the brand name may be recognized and you could be in physical danger.

Dear DPE:

I am a distinguished law professor and recently my students have asked me what a ‘so-called judge’ is.  I know about Supreme Court justices, circuit judges, family court judges, etc but I had never heard of a ‘so-called judge’ and I have no answer for my students.  I need to tell them something, what?

Signed:  Confused at Cornell

Dear Confused:

A so-called judge is any judge at either the state, local or federal level who rules what the law actually is instead of basing a ruling on alternative facts and alternative law.  According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer defining alternative facts and alternative law is the exclusive jurisdiction of the President, that is, Republican Presidents.  We contacted Mr. Spicer and he said that while the current situation is confusing the President will only appoint judges who uphold alternative law so that in a few years so-called judges will be extinct and your students will not have a problem understanding the law.

Dear DPE:

I am high up in the Trump Administration and recently violated the law.  Now I am concerned that Congress will investigate me and that it may ultimately lead to charges.  It’s not my fault, I had no idea about any of the laws, rules or regulations I violated.

Signed:  Worried at the White House

Dear Worried:

Normally ignorance of the law is not a defense against a charge of violating the law, but given the level of ignorance of the law in the current administration we have been told that the Justice Department will be willing to make an exception, because as one member of the new Attorney General’s staff explained, “If we have to go after all of the law breakers at the White House we won’t have staff or time to go after the Clintons”. 

Dear DPE:

I was brought to American illegally when I was 3 months old.  I have graduated high school and college at the top of my class.  As a research intern I discovered some very promising cancer treatments.  As a marine stationed in the Middle East I have been decorated several times for saving the lives of my fellow marines and army soldiers.  Will I be able to stay in the United States or will I be deported?

Signed: American Hero in Houston

Dear American Hero:

I checked with ICE and they said, and I quote “If that person doesn’t get their sorry ass out of the country we are going to track 'em down and throw their sorry ass in jail for 10 years and then deport them as far away as we can send them.  We are going to use our discretion to persecute (sic) people like that to show the nation that’s the kind of individual we just don’t want in America.  That person is obvoiusly a born criminal, doing major crime at 3 months old”.  

So we would say ‘keep a bag packed’.

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