Saturday, October 19, 2013

University of South Nebraska Plans to Make Millions From a Losing Football Team – Go Fighting Doormats

The College President Explains It All

College football teams are building their won loss records by scheduling weak and ineffective teams.  The unlucky losers participate in this farce because they get a big check by visiting a strong Division I football school and losing by a huge score.  So it turns out that one school, the University of South Nebraska has determined that it can make millions by fielding a football team and losing big time to big time football school.

How this would take place was explained by the President Smithers of USN.

  1. President Smithers, can you summarize what the plan is?

Pres. Smithers:  Sure.  USN will play 12 away games, all of them will be against teams like Ohio State, Alabama, Auburn, Penn State and their peers.  We expect to be paid somewhere between $800,000 and $1 million for each game, giving the University a total take of $10 to $12 million. 

  1. Why would these schools schedule you and pay so much?

Pres. Smithers:  Look, our team will be terrible.  Playing the Fighting Doormats will not only be a guranteed win, it will be a blowout.  This will impress the sports press and make every school we play almost certainly bowl eligible. 

  1. How will you get students to play for your team?

Pres. Smithers:  We think that in addition to a full scholarship our student athletes will be attracted by the no cost $100,000 life insurance policy we will provide for every member of the team.

  1. Do you have any other revenue sources?

Pres. Smithers:  Team memorabilia is expected to be a big seller.  Doormats with the Doormats team logo will be sold on e-bay for $99.99.

  1. Isn’t fielding a football team expensive?

Pres. Smithers:  Well we won’t have to have a stadium since all of our games will be away games, and our practice facilities will be pretty Spartan, we wouldn’t want to get too good and score against one of these opponents once they put in their 4th stringers. We will have sponsor tie ins.  For example,  Proctor and Gamble will be providing special detergents that get blood stains out of uniforms.  And the Soouth Nebraska Medical Center Emergency Room will pay to be the Emergency Room of record for our players.

  1. What academic programs will be supported by the profits from the program?

Pres. Smithers:  Uh, most of the money will go to pay for a new group of administrators that the University of South Nebraska desperately needs.  The rest will be used for an annual bonus for the President, heh, heh, that’s me.  After all I should get something for bringing in all of this revenue.

  1. Do you have a theme?

Pres. Smither:  Sure, The Fighting Doormats, No Fatalities on the Field Since 2009. 

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