Senate Republicans Plan Massive Retaliation Against Democrats for Ending the Filibuster on Nominees

News That Didn’t Happen – But Might

In a hysterical reaction to the change in the rules of the Senate to require only a majority of Senators to approve Presidential nominees (“majority rule has no place in a democracy” one senator fumed) Republicans announced the following actions to retaliate against the Democrats.

1. Senator John McCain and Lindsey Graham have declared actual war on Democrats and will insist on the Air Force bombing Democratic headquarters.

2. Senator Ted Cruz has said he will ask his father to serve as a pastor to the Senate and lead the group in prayers.  “That’s a terrible thing to do to anyone” said Senator Cruz, “but if anyone deserves having to listen to my father rail against immigrants and minorities and basic rights, it’s the Democrats”.

3. Senator Rand Paul will take to the Senate floor to read the entire works of Ayn Rand.  This practice had been thought to have been banned by the Geneva Convention.

4. Senator David Vitter of Louisiana has vowed to give up frequenting prostitutes as a form of protest, saying he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice if that will help.  Senator Vitter said he would not be bound by this vow when the Senate was not in session, or in odd or even numbered years.

5. Former VP nominee and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said the change to end filibusters against judicial nominees was just another blow in the war by liberals to make Christmas greetings illegal in the United States and that in order to protest the action she personally would wish every Jewish person she knows (both of them) a Merry Christmas every time she saw them.  “I will do the same thing to my Muslim friends too, if I ever have one” she said.  “Blame it on the Democrats if they don’t like it” Ms. Palin intoned.

6. Mitt Romney said he would move to change the rules so that 47% of Senate Democrats would be ineligible to vote.  “It is well known that 47% of Democrats are just takers” the former Presidential nominee said, “and so should not be allowed to vote.”

7. Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, a physician, said that he would require any nominee by a Democratic President to have a proctology exam as part of his Senate confirmation hearing.  “We know these people are hiding something, and we’re going to find it” the former doctor said while looking for his rubber gloves.