Famed Bank Robber Willie Sutton to Form Wall Street Investment Company as Vehicle for Robbing

“Eliminates the Risk of Any Problems if You Get Caught!” Noted Criminal Exclaims

The criminal case against the hedge fund SAC Capital Advisors has reached a conclusion, people briefed on the matter said, with the government expected to announce Monday that SAC will plead guilty to insider trading charges and pay a fine of roughly $1.2 billion. . . .

And while Mr. Cohen has not been charged criminally or even accused of insider trading, the people briefed on the matter said, federal authorities continue to view him and other SAC employees as targets of the continuing insider trading investigation. 

-New York Times, Novemer 4, 2013.

Willie Sutton, probably the best known bank robber ever, today held a press conference and said that going forward he would do all of his bank robbing as an executive of the newly created Wall Street firm, W. Sutton Sacks and Associates.  WSSA will be formed for the sole purpose of employing master criminals to engage in the armed robbery of local and national banks.

Mr. Sutton said he got the idea by reading about what happens to Wall Street firms when they get caught.  “What a great system” he extolled.  “When they get accused of robbing the public blind they just reach a settlement with the government.  They don’t have to admit wrong doing and they just pay a fine that is usually just a small pittance of what they have stolen.”  When asked about jail time Mr. Sutton explained that even if the corporation is convicted of criminal activity it doesn’t have to go to jail because “Corporations are not people, my friend”.    As for the corporate CEO's Mr. Sutton said that not only do they not have to go to jail, they often are not even charged with a crime at all.

The business model adopted by Mr. Sutton for WSSA involves stealing about $500 million a year, paying fines equal to about $40 million a year and pocketing a clear net of $460 million.  Mr. Sutton said all of this would be tax free earnings because as he put it “We’re criminals, why would we pay taxes?”. 

Unconfirmed rumors on Wall Street were that WSSA could go public within two years, with the IPO expected to value the company somewhere around the $10 billion level, and even more if Democrats remain in control of the White House.  “We have nothing to fear from the Obama administration” Mr. Sutton said, “Our biggest fear is that a Republican administration might try to target us as a way of diverting attention away from investment banking fraud.  We don’t worry about the current Democrats in charge because apparently they really don’t care about investment fraud and for some reason the public doesn’t care that the Democrats don’t care.”