Republicans Announce Plans to Pander to the Hispanic Vote – and To Continue to Alienate the African American Vote

News That Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

The Republican National Committee today announced that beginning in early 2013 the Party would unveil a new outreach program designed to pander to the growing Hispanic voting block.  The Republican suffered huge losses among Hispanic voters in 2012 and the new program is designed to construct bridges between Republicans and Hispanics and to showcase the Republican policies that favor Hispanics.  The first step, of course, is to find such policies as none have existed in the past.

When asked exactly what programs the Republicans now had that favored the interests of Hispanic voters a GOP spokesperson said the party would not longer seek to employ former East German secret police as special law enforcement officers.  That program was designed to designate those special officers as illegal immigration police.  They would be empowered to stop any person who appeared to be Hispanic and demand their papers.  Failure to produce proof of citizenship would result in incarceration of the suspected illegal alien, who would then be allowed to get their papers so long as they did not leave their jail cell or contact anyone.

“If they cannot harass or arrest Hispanics then we think these wonderfully trained former East German police can be a terrific force in preventing the media from asking Republican candidates any questions not cleared in advance” said the spokesperson, “and we intend to use them that way.  Any reporter asking one of our candidates about rape for example would be gently bludgeoned.”

Other programs the Republican said they would consider abandoning would be the jailing of children under 5 who were wandering the playgrounds without a photo id, allowing tacos to be served at Republican events and insisting that all gardening personnel at the 17 homes of Mitt Romney be former residents of Mexico. "That is part of our 'employ an Hispanic instead of another minority' program" GOP officials said.

Given that Republicans lost African American voters by an even greater margin then they lost the Hispanic vote the Party was asked what programs they would support to gain the support of African American voters.

“Who are you talking about?” was the official response.