Tuesday, June 6, 2017

America Joins Nicaragua and Syria in New Climate Accord

“These Are Our True Environmental Allies”  Trump Did Not Say

Washington (Fake News) :  The United States today announced that it had joined the only other countries who are not part of the Paris Climate agreement, Syria and Nicaragua in setting up a new climate accord.  The President said that while we may have a few minor differences with these countries, particularly Syria, “the important thing was that both Syria and Nicaragua thought I was the greatest President ever and that the three of us knew more about climate issues than any of the so-called experts, the one who have devoted their lives to the study of climate”.

While details of the new agreement have not been released, it is expected to contain the following.

  1. Syria will start importing coal from Kentucky.  As part of the agreement Syria will stop killing some civilians and instead send them to unsafe coal mines in Appalachia where, as the Syrians put it, “working in those mines is far worse than anything we can do to them.”

  1. A research study will be funded by the U. S. in Managua that will focus on how to conduct a Public Relations campaign to show that less oxygen in the air is a good thing.  “Plants breathe carbon dioxide” said White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, “so the more carbon dioxide we can put into the air the happier the plants will be.  Anyone who doesn’t support this is refusing to buy into our alternate reality and must hate plants”.  She went on to condemn the media for refusing to report that only people who breathe are harmed by air pollution, that everyone else benefits.

  1. Syria will only bomb its civilian population with ‘clean’ bombs, ones designed to produce maximum harm to people with no harm to buildings. 

  1. In order to show its opposition to German leadership in climate change science all three countries will forbid the eating of wiener schnitzel.

  1. Jared Kushner will establish a back door channel to Nicaragua and Syria so the U. S. can coordinate increased particulate emissions from the three countries.

All Trump properties in Nicaragua will be converted to coal for heating purposes.  When told that Nicaragua has a tropical climate and does not need to heat buildings Trump purportedly said “then we will burn coal in those countries to power air conditioning.  

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