News From 2016 – 157 Students and Teachers Dead in High School Shootout Between Armed Guards and Assault Weapon Carrying Psychopath

News That Hasn’t Happened – Yet

[Editor's note:  The following post has been deemed inappropriate for posting on this holiday.]

The NRA, the defender of the right of everyone to own an unlimited number of automatic weapons whose only function is to kill other human beings has advocated putting armed guards in every school.

In his first extensive public remarks since last week’s mass shooting at a Connecticut school, the head of National Rifle Association on Friday called for lawmakers to take action to put police officers in all schools in an effort to curb such violent outbreaks.

Given the sway that the NRA has over the American body politic, it is entirely possible that this policy could be implemented.  If so, here is a potential news story from 2016 about the results.

Gunman, Armed Guards Shoot it Out

and Over 150 Students are killed

Topeka, Ka (AP) – March 17, 2016.  Authorities today are investigating the death of 157 students and teachers at a local high school where a gun battle between a young man armed with three automatic weapons, 17 ammunition clips and a bazooka walked into a school and engaged in a firefight with the armed guard who was patrolling the halls.  The attack happened at the end of lunch hour, as hundreds of students were returning to classrooms.

Although details are not yet available, it appears that the armed guard, upon seeing the intruder opened fire with his machine gun, spraying bullets across and entire hallway and instantly killing over 70 students.  The gunfire resulted in a panic in the school, as almost all classrooms emptied, many sending students into the path of fire between the guard and the gunman.  Because of the size of the magazines in the guns and the rapid fire, in a little less than 5 seconds over 780 shots were fired, killing or wounding everyone within sight.

The armed guard, whose guns have been determined to have been responsible for almost all of the deaths was posted in the school as part of a policy to protect students after Kansas Republicans removed any and all restrictions on weapon ownership.  Citing basic human rights the Republicans said that any restriction against gun ownership violated “God’s law and man’s law”.  To offset criticism the Republicans passed laws placing at least one armed guard in every school, with the costs to be paid for by reducing three classroom teachers in each school.

Notes taken from the gunman’s home indicated that he planned to ambush the guard and then go on a rampage.  However, because the guard had been trained to shoot immediately at anyone he found to be acting suspiciously the guard opened fire before the gunman could get off his first shot.  While those shots missed, the guard was given credit for preventing massive deaths by the gunman, even though massive deaths occurred because of the guard’s wild and reckless shooting.

“I know the kids that died were happy in that they had been shot by a guard rather than by a deranged lunatic” said a spokesman for the Republican dominated school board.  “And yes, it is true that 157 students and teachers died, but the guard should be commended for killing the armed intruder with minimal loss of life”.  The spokesman went on to add that “this tragedy just shows why the students themselves should have been armed, because if they were they could have shot both the intruder and the guard and prevented much of the death and destruction.”

Following the massacre Democrats and independents once again called for regulation of fire arms, followed by the NRA saying guns didn’t kill these people, people killed these people.