Conservatives to Require Tooth Fairy to Pay $1,000 per Tooth, Cite Benefits to Federal Budget and Support for Cuts in Children’s Health and Early Childhood Education

News that Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

Conservatives today announced they would be supporting an amendment to the Constitution to require that the Tooth Fairy pay each child a minimum of $1,000 per tooth that it took.  A spokesman for the Conservative Group “The Tooth Fairy is Real and Rich” (funded by billionaire conservative donors) said that this policy would allow the Federal government to end all social welfare programs for children, including health care and early childhood education. 

“This amendment would allow us to divert tens of billions to tax cuts for the rich, without harming any child”, she said, “Children will now have the financial means to pay for their own health care and to enroll in private schools where they can be taught real stuff like Creationism and that tax cuts do pay for themselves and they can study the life of great thinkers like Ludwig von Mises and Michelle Bachmann.  This is a win for children, a win for billionaires and even a win for the Tooth Fairy whose stature will be enhanced by all this generosity.”



Actual Photo of Tooth Fairy



When opponents to the measure tried to argue that the Tooth Fairy did not exist, Conservative groups immediately pointed to the fact that there was no proof whatsoever that the Tooth Fairy was not real.  They said that no serious academic Journal had ever published a single article that studied the existence of the Tooth Fairy.  “They are afraid to confront the issue, so they totally ignore it” said a person from the Heritage Foundation.

Conservatives noted that prominent researchers (who declined to be named for fear of public humiliation) had found strong evidence that the Tooth Fairy did indeed exist and that only the prejudice of the academic press had kept these studies from publication.  One researcher said that “The Tooth Fairy even knows about inflation.  When I was young I got dollar bills, and now kids get $5.00 and $10.00, no questions asked.”

The Conservative groups also denounced news organizations and news publications for printing one sided stories that only show how ridiculous this idea was, and did not present both sides of the controversy, that the Tooth Fairy is or is not real, as equally possible.  Fox News was preparing a special report “Holocaust Deniers and Tooth Fairy Deniers, Cut from the Same Cloth?”

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin weighed in on the fight on the side of the Tooth Fairy.  She said the Tooth Fairy, in the guise of Fox News producers had paid far more than the $1,000 minimum for teeth her children put under their pillow at night.  Ms. Palin said that she would be in favor of cutting all those programs for child health care and early education, and then in a couple of decades if the Tooth Fairy did not provide enough money for children’s health and education she would be willing to  re-visit the issue.

Ms. Palin also said opponents were just against health care and education for children and were afraid of testing the issue in the marketplace.