Monday, July 23, 2012

GBA (Greedy Billionaires of America), Inc. to Buy CBS, ABC and NBC to Have Direct Access to Negative TV Ads Against Mr. Obama

News That Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

[Editor’s note:  This post was inspired by this story in the New York Times detailing how hundreds of millions of anonymous corporate and billionaire money will be spent to run negative ads against President Obama.]

NEW YORK (A. P.)  The nation’s foremost billionaires have banded together to form an investment group, GBA, Inc. (Greedy Bastards Billionaires of America) in order to purchase three major TV networks, ABC, CBS and NBC.  The motivation behind the purchase was the desire of the group to run anti-Obama ads 24/7 and to avoid having to pay for each ad individually.

A spokesman for the company said that after looking at the economics, “It just made sense for us to own the networks rather than pay for air time” and the unnamed representative went on to add that “this way we can also deny any air time to our opponents.  As everyone knows, the Supreme Court’s has defined free speech as our having the ability to drown out every type of opposing speech so that voters hear only one side, and so what we are doing is just exercising our Constitutional rights”.

As far as programming is concerned, the new owners have said they plan to keep popular programs, but with some changes.  Modern Family, for example, will have the gay couple arrested and jailed for living in sin, and their adopted daughter will be placed in a foster home with a deeply religious couple who will de-program the pro-gay feeling that the young girl has.  This is expected to be hilarious. 

Other programming changes will be switching “60 Minutes” to a new format called “60 Minutes of Obama Shame”, and a new format for a popular quiz show, retitled “Who Wants to Be A Billionaire” where contestants will strive to be adopted by a billionaire, as in the future only children of billionaires will be allowed to be billionaires.  On “2 Broke Girls” the new season will feature a back story on how oppressive regulation and taxation caused the girls to be broke.  At 10 p.m. each night a new program will debut, The Ayn Rand Hour, where economic policy will be derived from various works of fiction.

When queried by a reporter as to why the group did not also purchase Fox News the spokesman said “You’re kidding, right?

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