Wednesday, July 4, 2012

CEO of The First National Greedy Bank of England Revealed to be Legendary London Killer - Al “the Ripper” Ransom Turns to Be "Jack the Ripper" Ransom

Bank Board, Investors Thank Him For His Years of Service and Vote to Pay Him $50 million in Severance

[Editor’s Note:  The President of Barclay’s Bank, Bob Diamond, whose institution is involved in a major scandal concerning illegal manipulation of interest rates has done quite well for himself over the years and may do very well upon his forced exit from the bank.

The departing Barclays boss, who has been paid a total of £98m since he joined the Barclays' board in 2006, could be in line for up to £22m if all his contractual entitlements, free shares and outstanding bonuses are honoured.

Inspired by this story The Dismal Political Economists has this report about another bank CEO forced to resign.]

Bank CEO Revealed as Legendary Serial Killer – May Be Forced to Resign

EXCLUSIVE:  No Other News or Publication Has The Following Story, Mainly Because It is Entirely Made Up – But That Doesn’t Make It Any Less True

London- July 4, 2012.  In a stunning development Al Ransom, known to friends and colleagues alike as “the Ripper” because of his vicious and ruthless management style was forced to resign as President and CEO of the First National Greedy Bank of England.  The cause of the resignation was the revelation that Mr. Ransom, by day a vengeful bank executive, was at night the killer of London prostitutes and known in the press as Jack the Ripper.

Mr. Ransom’s alternative identity was exposed by diligent police work over a 120 year period.  Police had narrowed the identity of Jack the Ripper to either Mr. Ransom, or Alice in Wonderland, and after getting DNA tests on the corpse of Alice they concluded that Jack the Ripper had to be Mr. Ransom.  Because Mr. Ransom is well connected in British government circles, police said an arrest might take several more years, as they did not want to embarrass or inconvenience either Mr. Ransom or various government ministers.

Upon learning that his alternative identity was being made public, Mr. Ransom issued a statement saying that the acts of murdering prostitutes in London’s Whitechapel district was the result of employees of the Bank not living up to the high standards of conduct expected of them.  He also said he hoped to stay on as CEO, since as everyone knows banking hours are 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and the Jack the Ripper murders always took place between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m.  For this reason Mr. Ransom felt that the murders in no way compromised his fulfilling his duties as CEO of the bank.

The Board of Directors of the First National Greedy Bank of England held an emergency meeting in which they discussed Mr. Ransom’s compensation over the last several years.  Several Board members expressed concern that the Board itself was at fault here, as asking Mr. Ransom to live on salary and bonuses that averaged $122 million a year must have put him under tremendous strain.  The Board passed a motion stating that emotional stress from Mr. Ranson receiving a bonus of only $35 million in 2009, when the Bank outperformed expectations of losing $7.8 billion and only lost $6.9 billion should be a consideration at his trial, if there was one.

The Directors also urged Mr. Ransom to stay on, saying his managerial services were vital to the Bank.  In the event that he did resign, the Board voted a special severance package of $50 million, along with lifetime unlimited use of the company plane, 17 fully paid automobiles and six houses.  And in a magnanimous gesture to the families of the victims of Mr. Ransom, the Board voted to give each family member a free checking account for one year, along with a bank calendar.

The business press from around the world praised Mr. Ransom, and a Wall Street Journal editorial said that his potential arrest was just another example of liberal lawmakers run amok and that this unfortunately showed more concern for prostitutes than for the welfare of banking executives, whom the Journal editorial said were really functionally equivalent.

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