Rep. Ryan Wants to Privatize the Defense Dept, Goldman Sachs Charges $100 million in fees to lose 98% of an Investment and Other

News That Did Not Happen, But Could Have

Rep. Paul Ryan (R, WI) today announced plans to introduce legislation that would privatize the Defense Department.  Based on the successful rollout of his plan to privatize Medicare, Mr. Ryan said that by turning over the National Defense to private firms he would eliminate waste and that competition would reduce the costs of national defense, allowing the U. S. to spend even more on Pentagon programs.

“The privatization would work just like Medicare private plans,” he said. “We will give the Defense Department vouchers, no, make that premium subsidies to purchase armies and navies in the private market. This will make the Defense Department work just like medical care we provide for members of Congress.”

Members of the press said today they were confused, but didn’t follow up for fear of being accused of bias by Fox News.

Goldman Sachs today revealed that it charged $100 million in fees to manage an investment of $1.3 billion for Libya that lost over $1.2 billion in just two years.  “We could not have done it for a penny less” said a spokesman for the Company.

Republicans in Congress today introduced a bill that would forbid the U. S. from paying interest or principal on its national debt.  The Congressman who introduced the bill, Floyd Nonothings (R, ?) said that “Government should operate the same way the families and businesses do, and since those groups do not pay for things they have already purchased, neither should Uncle Sam”.  The legislation is expected to solve the national debt problem at no cost to taxpayers.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today touted his state’s strong economy, and the fact that he and the Conservative legislature were making huge cuts in education to balance the state budget.  Perry said that cutting education spending had always been a priority of his, and now that the state was starting to recover from the recession it was time to quit coddling kids and let them get educated on their own.  When asked about the political aspects of this policy the Governor said, “Oil men vote, kids don’t”. 

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, famous for his tough attitude towards public spending and his anti-union attitude took a state helicopter to his son’s high school baseball game.  No, wait a minute, that did happen.