Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Republicans Want To Take Real Hostages in Debt Ceiling Negotiations, Conservative Historians Want Reagan Record Expunged, Rick Perry Says He Welcomes All Religions

And Other News That Didn’t Happen, but Could Have

Republican House and Senate Leaders today announced that in order to enhance their position in their negotiations with the White House over raising the debt ceiling they would take real people as hostages.  During the last set of negotiations over the expiring Bush tax cuts, the Republicans took tax cuts for middle and lower income taxpayers hostage.  A Republican spokesperson said that while that hostage taking was successful, the debt ceiling bargaining is for much higher stakes and Republicans would need to hold actual persons hostage in order to get their position accepted.

The Plan will be for 100 Americans to be chosen at random from a list of supporters of Al Gore and held at an undisclosed location.  Amnesty International said they had no problem with the hostage taking, but subjecting the hostages to non-stop recordings of the Comedy Stylings of Mitt Romney, the Speeches of Ron Paul and the daytime TV show of Pat Robertson was torture by any international standard.  Former Bush administration officials who are involved said “what’s the problem, torture works”.

The Association of Conservative Historians has asked the American History Association to remove all references in American History to the many tax increases that Ronald Reagan supported and signed into law as Governor of California and as President.  The Conservative Historians said they realized that expunging the historical record would not change what really happened, but would assist the Conservative Historians in inserting into history texts a version of Reagan that fit with what they wanted to have happened.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is under fire for his active involvement in and promotion of a Christian prayer event that is linked to government.  Mr. Perry said that “I am not prejudiced, I feel all the religions, you know, Presbyterians, Baptists, Lutherans, Methodists, and Episcopalians are equal”.  When asked about Quakers Mr. Perry said he wasn’t familiar with their beliefs but that he ate their oatmeal almost every day.

Greece said earlier this week that in order to stem its fiscal crisis it would collect royalties from countries that call themselves Democracies. The Finance Minister told a group of international bankers that “While we are proud of the fact that Greece gave the world democracy, including the name, we did not mean that they could have it for free.”

In a related event the Estate of Karl Marx announced that they would no longer try to collect license fees from countries that adopted a Marxist/Communist form of government.  “There is no market for a morally, economically and politically bankrupt form of government” the Estate said.  Furthermore at least three countries are suing the Estate for representing that Marxism/Communism was a practical and legitimate political and economic system.

Rep. Paul Ryan (R, Wi) is talking up his plan to change the Defense Department into a fully private organization.  Citizens would get to choose from numerous private, for-profit National Defense Companies and would select the type and level of National Defense that they personally wished to enjoy.  Seniors, for example, who are closer to dying would need less National Defense coverage and could choose companies who would provide less services, guaranteeing protection against Canada, for example, but forgoing protection from an invasion by Mexico. 

In this system, Ryan said, Citizens could negotiate directly with Defense Companies and that lower costs would result.  When reporters pointed out to Mr. Ryan that his plan was absurd, he commented that this was just another example of the media not being willing to publish both sides of an issue.  He also said the Republicans would sue any television station that called his plan a End to National Defense, since his plans saves National Defense.

The Organization of Creationist Scientists submitted what they called “visual evidence” of man and dinosaurs on the Earth at the same time to seven peer reviewed scientific Journals.  The editors of those Journals said they would send the material out for peer review, but also said they doubted that DVD’s of The Flintstones would qualify as scientific evidence.

The Entire Republican Membership in the House of Representatives signed a statement asking embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D, Ny) not to resign his seat.  The letter explained that “Republicans have not yet recovered from the beat down we got in the NY 26th District Special Election on the plan to end Medicare that we recently passed, and it would be electoral cruelty to ask us to run in another Special Election this soon.  We need time to convince the electorate that our Plan to End Medicare is not a plan to end Medicare.”

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