Friday, March 1, 2013

Mitt Romney Emerges to Do a Fox News Interview

And Here It Is – So You Don’t Have to Watch It

There has been little news from the Mitt Romney camp these days.  Mr. Romney is destined to joint the ranks of another former Governor of Massachusetts and failed Presidential candidate, Democratic candidate Michael Dukakis as an obscure, small, little noticed public figure.  But before he goes Mr. Romney is going to show the Profiles in Courage he showed during the campaign and undergo what is surely going to be a hard hitting interview with Fox News.

This interview is entirely predictable, in fact, in order to lure viewers Fox News will intersperse the programs with real broadcasts of a softball game, and any viewer who can tell which is which wins a free Sean Hannity doll.  But even with that incentive most if not all Americans will want to turn to something else.  So as a public service here is what the interview is likely to be like.

Fox News:  Thank you for joining us Mr. Romney and taking time from  your busy schedule

Mitt Romney:  Well I have to get back to making money, you know, my real passion. 

Fox News:  So what have you been doing since the election?

Mitt Romney:  I have joined a number of corporate boards, the kind where all I have to do is attend a meeting and get paid several hundred thousand a year.  And earlier this year I took several trips to visit my money in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands.

Fox News:  What about politics?

Mitt Romney:  What about it?

Fox News:  Don’t you have views on the current state of affairs?

Mitt Romney:  Well I do know that unlike Mr. Obama if I had been elected I would have had my first priority as cutting taxes for people like me instead of trying to get jobs and economic growth.  And instead of working to reduce the amount of assault weapons in this country I would have worked to make sure everyone had an assault weapon.  Finally I would have used executive orders to make sure the maximum number of low income people would have been kept off of Medicaid. Low income people don't belong on Medicaid or deserve it.

Fox News:  Well those are great ideas, although you should know Medicaid was specifically designed for low income people.  But it's too bad you weren’t elected.  Do you feel you were cheated out of the Presidency?

Mitt Romney:  Yes, if those states that voted for Mr. Obama had been forced to split their electoral votes and give me some I could have won.  I think the Founding Fathers wanted Republicans to get some electoral college votes from states where Democrats won, without giving Democrats any electoral college votes where Republicans won.  That’s the American way.

Fox News:  Do you feel the 47% did you in?

Mitt Romney:  Absolutely, people who take from the government, people who get Social Security and Medicare, and who get help with college and free birth control pills and who drive on public highways instead of using corporate jets like the rest of us do, those people were bought by Mr. Obama and the big government folks.

Fox News:  How big a surprise was it that the best candidate did not win?

Mitt Romney:  I was very surprised, every NFL team owner, every NASCAR team owner and everyone at the club said they were going to vote for me.  In fact everyone I pal around with said they and their friends would vote for me.  I don’t understand it, maybe they got confused or maybe the voting authorities let other people besides millionaires vote.  If they did, they should not have, that’s voter fraud.

Fox News:  Why do you think African Americans and Hispanic voters deserted you?

Mitt Romney:  I don’t know, I provided a lot of employment for both groups as servants, gardeners and other menial jobs.  Some people are just not grateful.

Fox News:  Do you have any plans for public life?

Mitt Romney:  Yes, I plan to address every hand picked, totally friendly group that I can, as long as that doesn’t interfere with, you know, making more money.  I like the give and take when I am challenged on issues, like should capital gains taxes just be cut or should they be eliminated.

Fox News:  Well thank you for taking time to be with us.  Any plans to go on a real network news show?

Mitt Romney:  You’re joking, right. No, you’re serious.  Well John McCain and Lindsey Graham won’t let me, they say they own those shows and only one failed Republican candidate can be on, and that’s McCain.  They did say I could do the Mickey Mouse Club, and I thought they were joking but they meant this show.

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