Friday, March 8, 2013

Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford Are All Signed Up for the New Star Wars Movie

With Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford and Charlie Chaplin All Waiting to Be in the Show

Disney has acquired the rights to the Star Wars movie franchise, and is wasting no time getting ready to start filming anew.  And here is the wonderful announcement of who will be in the picture.

8 hours ago | Vulture | See recent Vulture news »

It feels like a day doesn't go by without some quote, rumor, or speculation that Carrie FisherMark Hamill, and Harrison Ford will return for the next set of Star Wars movies. Earlier this week, Fisher said "yes," only to have her publicist say it was just a joke. But now the latest word comes from arguably the most reliable source: George Lucas. In Bloomberg Businessweek, in a long piece about Disney's purchase of Lucasfilm, the man himself let this slip: “We had already signed Mark and Carrie and Harrison — or we were pretty much in final stages of negotiation." He quickly realized his misstep: “Maybe I’m not supposed to say that. I think they want to announce that with some big whoop-de-do, but we were negotiating with them.” Then, trying to cover up: “I won’t say whether the negotiations were successful or not.” Nice try, George. There's »


And while plot details are highly secret, The Dismal Political Economist has managed to ferret out these details.

  1. Hans and Princess Leia will battle the Empire for their receipt of full Social Security benefits.

  1. The Death Star will be reborn as The Death Panel Star, and will destroy planets by rationing medical care, just as predicted by Republicans 3,450 years ago in the past when Obamacare was passed.

  1. Dick Cheney’s body will be brought out of deep hibernation and the former Vice President will play Darth Vader.  To do the role properly the producers will need Dick to mellow out some.

  1. Chewbacca will not be in the latest version.  After Conservatives ended the protection for endangered species the NRA sponsored a contest to see who could kill off all of the hairy beasts.  The prize for doing so was a miniature Death Star capable of destroying only small planets.  Justice Scalia had earlier written the Supreme Court decision that confirmed that the 2nd Amendment guaranteed Americans the right to own a Death Star.

  1. Casting directors turned down Rush Limbaugh for the role of Jabba the Hut, citing the fact that Mr. Limbaugh was unqualified to play someone who just sat around and bloviated.  The casting directors were apparently from another universe.

  1. The robots in the Star Wars movies will be replaced by out of work Americans, who it is said will work for less money than robots as long as health care benefits were provided.  Mitt Romney said this was just another example of the 47% who are takers and living off the hard work of others. Mr. Romney later disclosed that he had participated in a private equity deal to buyout the company that made R2D2 and 3CPO.

  1. Financing for the films is expected to come from the same group of billionaires who successfully lobbied Congress to pass a law treating all income from Star Wars movies as capital gains.  They cited national security as the rationale for the special tax treatment.  The lost revenue was expected to be made up by the new Federal sales tax on food.

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