Friday, March 30, 2012

NRA Praises Florida Shooter George Zimmerman; Rick Santorum Wants Laws Against Reporting His Exact Words; University of Kentucky to Join the NBA

And Other News That Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

Weighing in on the issue of whether or not Floridian George Zimmerman should be charged with a crime for shooting an African American teenager walking through the neighborhood with a can of iced tea and some Skittles, the National Rifle Association said that it was considering awarding Zimmerman its highest medal of honor.

“What he did was in the best traditions of the NRA” the spokesperson said.  “We think this is exactly what gun ownership is for, and this is why we work so hard to protect the rights of all Americans to gun down people walking in their neighborhoods.  The fact that the potential criminal was wearing a hoodie is just further evidence of how right we are.”

The spokesperson did not respond to a follow up inquiry over whether or not New England Patriot coach Bill Belichick, who frequently wears a hoodie while coaching should be shot.

Following his cursing of a New York Times reporter Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum explained that the Times has for months been reporting exactly what he (Mr. Santorum) has been saying instead of changing the words to something more favorable for him.  Mr. Santorum explained that it is a gross violation of journalistic ethics to report what he says verbatim, as everyone knows that if voters really understood what Mr. Santorum was saying he would get almost no votes.

“This is what happened in Pennsylvania in 2006 when I suffered a massive loss” Mr. Santorum added, “and if the Press had just not reported my positions so accurately I might have won.”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas advised court watchers not to assume that his vote on the health care law was an automatic “no”.  Justice Thomas said he only made up his mind two days after the law was passed, and that he had yet to seek permission from Justice Scalia to vote the way he wanted to.  The Justice went to say that not only was any law supported by Democrats Unconstitutional, but that several parts of the Constitution itself were Unconstitutional.

In Britain the Chancellor of the Exchequer said that the government would offset the damage to the British economy from firing several hundred thousand public employees by cutting the top income tax rate on the highest income group.  (no wait a minute, that did actually happen.)

The University of Kentucky has submitted an application to join the professional basketball league, the NBA.  Kentucky officials said that for years they had been operating as a professional team and now they wanted to share in the profits legally as opposed to having to lose control of all the money they were making and divert it to things like education.

Newt Gingrich is now charging $50.00 for anyone to have a picture taken with him.  (that’s also true).  The cost of not having your picture taken with Mr. Gingrich, don’t ask, you can’t afford it (thanks to Groucho and Chico).

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