Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Dismal Political Economist Exclusive!!!! – Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Other Republicans Explain in Detail How They Will Lower Gas Prices

Statements from Prominent Republicans No One Else Has

 (Mainly Because We Made Them Up)

Rising gasoline prices have, at least according to the professional pundits, been a negative factor in the popularity of President Obama, despite the fact that almost all economists and almost all of the rational sector of the populace realize that a President can do very little about gas prices in the short term.  But the lack of ability of the President to give the country gas for a $1.00 a gallon has not stopped Republicans from criticizing him and stating that they and their policies would result in substantial reduction of gas prices.

So here are the Republican Presidential candidates, and a few other politicians and pundits on how they are going to get prices back down to 1972 levels.


With my background in buying companies my policy would be to do a leveraged buyout of all the oil companies, spearheaded by my colleagues at Bain capital.  We would then fire half the workforce, and that alone would bring down costs and gas prices.  Furthermore my share of the profits, along with fees for doing all this would enable me to fill up my wife’s Cadillacs and my other six (I think that’s how many I have) cars more often, and that would stimulate the economy.

Look, I know a lot of people in the oil business, men who own drilling companies,  men who own pipelines, men who own refineries and men who own gas station chains.  They are friends of mine and they all say my plan is the only doable one.  I would be firmly opposed to using government money to do the buyout, but it would be okay if the government loaned money to  the corporations that would do the buyouts, because corporations are people my friend and the government loans money to people all the time.


Gas prices are up because we have driven God and religion out of public life.  Ever since we have had separation of church and state gasoline prices have risen, and that is something that even my dead Grandfather, who was a coal miner knows as well as anyone. 

Even worse, President Obama has not prayed for lower gas prices while he has been in the White House.  When I am President I will pray for lower gas prices every night when I say my bedtime prayers, and because I am the most moral person in this country I am sure God will answer my prayers and lower gas prices for everyone.  Well, not for everyone, those women who use birth control are sinners and they will have to pay the old higher prices. 


Gas prices are high because liberals love high gas prices and hate America.  Has anyone ever known a liberal that doesn’t want the oil companies to have higher profits so they can complain about oil companies making too much money at the expense of the poor.  Friends, poor people don’t have cars, so all this talk by liberals about high gas prices being difficult on the poor is just a big liberal lie.  In fact, poor people don’t deserve cars, and if liberals take over they are going to make poor people get a car just to drive to the clinic to get their free birth control pills.

 And because a lot of people have sex in cars (not me, I can’t even fit in a car) this just makes those who want lower gas prices sluts.  And if we are going to give people lower gas prices then we want something in return.  We want them to post video tapes of them having sex in their cars with the motor running (their's and the cars) from their low gas prices and free contraceptives.  And no, I won’t apologize so I can keep my sponsors, because all my sponsors have left anyway.\


This is just like the lamestream media, making up a story about higher gas prices.  Gas prices have not risen, they have been coming down but a media conspiracy is convincing Americans that they are paying more at the pump when they are really paying less.  Just last week, when I was reading my new issue of Donald Duck comics (yes Katie I do read real magazines and newspapers) I saw Scrooge McDuck easily fill up his cartoon car. 

Me and my family are going to get in the bus and travel all around this country and tell people the truth.  And I don’t have to worry about those high gas prices, if indeed they are high because I got a bunch of contributors who will pay all my expenses.  And be sure to see my special on Fox News.  And read the picture book on the trip, and make your contributions to


There is plenty of oil on the moon.  It is a well known fact that the astronauts found enough oil on the moon to give us gas for $2.50.  By the end of my second term the XL Pipeline will not only go from North Dakota to Texas, but will be extended from Texas to the moon.  And those environmentalist who say a pipeline from Texas to the moon will cause problems in space I say we owe it to the next generation to pollute outer space. 

Now the media will not be able to understand this big idea, and my opponents will argue that I have a crazy vision, but friends, I am not the only candidate in this race who has crazy ideas, and if you want really big crazy ideas instead of the small crazy ideas of my opponents go to and contribute now.


If the oil companies wanted Americans to have lower gas prices they would have lowered their gas prices.  We need high gas prices because high gas prices are the number one cause of low gas prices.  See the oil company’s profits will be less than $100 billion this year, and without higher profits and more dividends these oil companies will not want to lower gas prices.  Democrats that want lower gas prices just want rich people, who are the only job creators on the planet, to pay more taxes. 

National policy to reduce gas prices should focus on the negative corporate income tax, an idea that is gaining great acceptance with the American people.  Under this plan corporations, particularly the oil companies, would not only not pay any corporate income tax at all, but they would collect a percentage of their pre-tax profits from the government.  This would push up their stock prices, and investors, who under the plan would pay no capital gains tax, would have money to invest in new energy sources, like shale oil and liquefied coal and other so-called polluting energy sources. 

The Heritage Foundation has run the numbers and concluded that just eliminating the corporate income tax on oil companies would increase their profits by about $40 billion, and that alone could result in at least a 2 cents a gallon decrease in the price of gas.  While they have not made the details of their model public, we note that their economic models have been wrong 17 times in a row, and the law of averages says they must be right on this one.

So there  you have it, lower gas prices for all, just take your pick of whose policy you want to implement.

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