Senator Shelby to Block Obama’s 2nd Term, Bachmann and Palin Want History Texts Rewritten, Santorum Attacks Romney for Having Only One Marriage. . .

And Other News That Did Not Happen, But Could Have

Following his successful, single handedly blocking of Peter Diamond to the Federal Reserve Board, Senator Richard Shelby (R, Al) said today that he would move to prevent Obama from being inaugurated if the President won re-election.  “He is not qualified, so he will not be allowed to take office”, said the Senator.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D, Nv) said that while such conduct was outrageous, he would allow Sen. Shelby to stop the President from taking office, saying that maintaining the tradition and decorum of the Senate was more important than actually governing.

Surprisingly, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R, Ky) not only agreed that the Republican minority was acting far too obstructionist, but also said that once the Republicans obtained their expected majority in 2013 they would act to remove any and all ability of the new minority to affect, block, influence or in any other way have an impact on the operations of the Senate.  “We will take care of this problem as soon as we are in the majority”, the Senator said.

Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin released a joint statement today in which they said the true facts of Paul Revere’s afternoon ride through the streets of Concord, N. H. to warn the British that the Americans would fight to keep their 2^nd Amendment Right to Bear Arms were not being accurately portrayed in high school history books, and they wanted immediate changes.  When it was pointed out to them that the ride took place at night in Massachusetts about 15 years before the 2^nd Amendment became part of the Constitution, the two women said that was just another example where the lamestream media used actual historical facts to ask a  surprise “gotcha” question.

Newly announced Republican Presidential nomination aspirant Rick Santorum said that he would have anti-gay marriage as the center of his campaign.  He praised Newt Gingrich for his three, count em, three straight marriages and said that was the type of traditional family values the country needed.  He also raised the issue that Mitt Romney had only one straight marriage, and had made no effort to end it and enter into another.  “Being still married to the same woman all this time”, the former Senator said, “makes Mitt awfully vulnerable on family values”.  When told of this a Romney spokesperson said, “You’re kidding, right, but if not Mr. Romney will look into doing something about the matter”.

Following their drive to end Planned Parenthood financing in Indiana, even if it meant the loss of Federal Medicaid funds of $4.3 billion, anti-abortion-rights activists said that they would shut down the entire health care system in the United States if that is what it took to deny women reproductive rights. They also said that in the interests of preserving tax cuts for the wealthy, they would support the end of all government spending on social programs.  “Nothing is more important to us than preventing abortions, and then eliminating all health care, education benefits, nutrition support and other government services to children after they are born.