Thursday, April 11, 2013

Senate Immigration Bill Turns Out to Be Sham – No Path to Legal Permanent Residence

Unless These Things Happen

Much ado about nothing.  The bi-partisan group in the Senate who have taken upon themselves to craft an immigration bill have come up with, well, nothing.  This of course is not the official word, but here is what the key part of the proposal contains.

The border-security proposal, part of a broader immigration bill being written by eight senators, sets several goals that would have to be met before any of the estimated 11 million immigrants in the U.S. illegally could apply for permanent legal residency, also known as a green card, according to the people familiar with the Senate talks. Meeting all the goals is expected to take 10 years.

So what are the things that have to be met before a person who was brought to the country as a 3 year old can walk about without being hunted down and deported by enraged conservatives who hate 3 year olds.  This Forum has the exclusive list.

Requirement to be Met Before Legal
Residence Can be Granted

  1. No person named Bush is running for statewide or national office.
  2. The Buffalo Bills win a Super Bowl, and the Chicago Cubs win a World Series. (But not necessarily in the same year; some things are just impossible.)
  3. Republicans admit that Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush created the largest budget deficits ever.
  4. Mitch McConnell undergoes plastic surgery so he no longer looks like an alien.
  5. John Boehner’s glowing artificial tan fades.
  6. Europe declares austerity a failure and adopts pro growth policies.
  7. The American public realizes that the Kardashians are just like Betty Crocker, icons created by the advertising industry and not real people.
  8. The iPhone introduces a low priced model that just makes phone calls.
  9. A full 12 months goes by without any child being killed by an automatic assault weapon.
  10. Justice Scalia reveals that his opinions come from little people from Mars that only he can see and hear.

But yes, just as soon as these conditions are met children who are now classified as criminals will be given legal residence in the U. S. and allowed, gasp, to be treated as regular human beings.

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