Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Exclusive: The Christmas Wish List For Conservatives

New No Other Forum Has – Mainly Because We Made It Up

That Doesn’t Make It Not True

This Forum has obtained the double secret wish list of Conservatives for the Holiday season.  Here it is, with the appropriate justifications.

  1. Eliminate the minimum wage:  Conservatives are cheering the prospect of the return of two and three dollar an hour jobs, and the easy access to low cost help around the home and office that would bring.  An added bonus, many say is the subsequent reduction in wages men and women are making that are above the minimum wage, just “icycles on the tree”.

  1. A gun in every house:  Legislation that would require every American home to own at least one firearm is a dream come true on the conservative Christmas list (thanks to Michael Dorf for inspiring this).  A requirement that each home experience one non-fatal gun related accident would be even better conservatives say, as they believe there is no better way to teach gun safety than to have innocent people accidentally shot.

  1. A new war in the Middle East:  This is at the top of the conservative’s list in the area of foreign policy.  With U. S. involvement in Afghanistan set to end in 2014 conservatives are afraid that American foreign policy will be damaged if U. S. troops are not dying in a useless Middle East war.  A secret position paper explains how conservatives think that fighting in the U. S. army is a great way for illegal immigrants to learn American values before they are deported, assuming they survive the war.

  1. Farm subsidies for both Midwestern and Southern crops:  Right now the Farm Bill is being fought over by conservatives who want government subsidies for corn and soy beans that are grown in the Midwest against conservatives who want subsidies for cotton and rice that are grown in the South.  New conservative policy would increase government aid for both regions, to be paid for by reducing food and nutrition assistance even more than they have wanted to in the past.

  1. Allow the Airline Industry to merge into a single company:  Conservatives are horrified that there is still a little competition left in the airline industry and want to change government policy that will allow the major carriers to combine into a single airline that controls all of the flights.  They acknowledge that they would be little affected by this policy, as they fly in private jets but say they want to bring the joys of monopoly to the flying public.  Note:  The Obama administration is said to be seriously considering supporting this.

There it is, the top five items on the Christmas list for conservatives.  Remember where you saw it first.

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