Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Liz Cheney to Move to Mississippi to Run for the Senate, Republicans Finally Prove Barack Obama’s Birth Certificate is a Phoney, Anthony Weiner’s Sextexting Pictures Featured in the AARP Magazine

And other News From 2033

[Editor’s note:  With the dullness of summer slowly oozing its way through August this Forum thought it might liven things up with the news from 20 years in the future.  A Delorean has just brought back newspapers with these featured stories.

Liz Cheney Relocates to Mississippi, Will Run
For the Senate

Jackson, MS, August 2033 (Reuters).  The daughter of the late Vice President Dick Chaney, Liz Chaney today announced that she would be moving to Vicksburg and would run for the Senate.  Ms. Chaney had previously moved to Wyoming to run for the Senate there and lost the nomination, after which she moved to North Dakota where she lost a Senate race to a Democrat, an almost unheard of event and most recently she lived in Alaska and ran for the Senate from that state, with the same result as her previous elections.

In announcing her latest move Ms. Chaney said she was proud to be living in Vicksburg, the scene of one of the greatest victories of the South in the Civil War.  When later told that no, Vicksburg was a serious defeat for the Confederates Ms. Chaney responded with “Whatever, it’s not like I plan to live there after I am elected”.

House Republicans Display Definitive Proof that former President  Obama’s Birth Certificate was Faked

Washington, August 2033 (UPI).  A select investigative committee of the House today presented the nation with what they said was final and conclusive evidence that former President Obama was not born in Hawaii, but instead was born in Patagonia.  “The mystery has been finally solved with these documents” the House committee said and now no one should doubt that President Obama was not eligible to serve.

The House Republican leadership said that they would vote on having the nation repeat the 2008 and 2012 elections just as soon as they finished the 10, 284th vote to repeal the Obama health reform legislation.  At his homes in Massachusetts, California, New Hampshire, Iowa, Montana, and North Dakota Mitt Romney released a statement saying he would be proud to serve as President for the 2013-17 term and that he looked forward to releasing his tax reform programs as soon as he could think of some.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Says He Will Not Retire; Cites Progress on Having Himself Named a Founding Father

Alexandria, Va. August 2033 (AP).  The oldest person ever to sit on the Supreme Court, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia today released a proposal that would designate himself as an official Founding Father and sole expert of what the real Founding Fathers meant in the Constitution.  “As the only Justice ever to know exactly what the Constitution means, and the only one to show how the Constitution exactly follows my ideas of what America should be, it is only right that I should be enshrined with Jefferson, Franklin, Madison and Monroe as a Founding Father.  And anyone who disagrees doesn’t know the law.”

In a related development the American History Associate issued a statement once again calling for an amendment to the Constitution prohibiting certified idiots from serving on the Supreme Court, saying in part “Justice Scalia is not exactly what Madison had in mind for the Court”.

AARP Monthly Mag Scores Journalistic Coup by Publishing Pictures that Anthony Weiner Sent to Female Residents at Sleepy Hollow Nursing Home

Sun City AZ August 2033 (Fox News).  In what is considering possible Pulitzer Prize material the magazine, Old Ugly People Illustrated, put out by the AARP published a group of photos they said former Congressman and New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner send to octogenarians at female wing of the retirement residential complex, Fogies ‘R Us.  Mr. Weiner had said that he had given up the practice of sending lewd pictures of himself to admirers, and when pressed he said he kept his word in that none of the recipients of the photos admired him at all.

And in other headlines, there was this in 2033.

Sarah Palin Says This Time She Really Means It, She Could, Might Maybe Run for President

Major League Baseball Punishes 7 Players for Not Taking Steroids, “We Can’t Have a Few Bad Apples Spoiling Drug Induced Performances by the Rest of the Game” Says the Commissioner

Illinois Resident Leaves University of South Chicago with Record Level $1.7 million in Student Loans – Claims She Thought Degree in 18th Century French Poetry Would Lead to Great Jobs

Nation Stunned as Fox News Allows Dissenting Voice, Network Claims It Was All a Mistake

European Leaders Certain Austerity Will Work in the Coming Decade, Claim Previous 25 Years of Trying Was Not Long Enough to Test Policy

There you have it, all the news that will be fit to print 20 years from now.

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