What We Think Mr. Jackson Might Have Said Had He Agreed to an Interview
Editors note: The following is not an interview with Republican E. W. Jackson, a Harvard Law Grad and minister who has just been made the nominee of that party for Lt. Governor in the fall elections in Virginia.
In an incredible turn of events, the Republican nominee for Lt. Governor in
is making more news and getting more attention than the Republican nominee for
Governor. The reason is that the Lt.
Governor nominee, Rev. E. W. Jackson has a rather radical
past in terms of his strong right wing views. He hates gays, he compares Planned Parenthood
unfavorably to the Klu Klux Klan, and of course like all radical conservatives
he believes President Obama secretly sympathizes with Muslim extremists.
This Forum would have requested a formal interview with Mr. Jackson, but since neither he nor anyone else has ever heard of The Dismal Political Economist we thought it would be more accurate to make stuff up. So here is what we think such an interview might have been like. The information on Mr. Jackson is largely from a profile by Betsy Woodruff in NRO Online, a conservative website.
DPE: Mr. Jackson, you have said that Planned Parenthood has been worse for African Americans than the Klu Klux Klan. Can you explain?
Mr. Jackson: Well the KKK assaulted, mutilated and killed African Americans. Now Planned Parenthood provides access to abortions for women, which just because that is a lawful practice doesn’t mean women should be allowed to have abortions or control over their own bodies. But Planned Parenthood is worse than the KKK because it also provides health care for low income women, many of whom are African Americans. This fosters a sense of dependency in those women, and as a result they become slaves to Planned Parenthood and get health they otherwise could not afford. It would be far better for these women to die of disease and lack of adequate treatment than to get health services from people who just want to pursue their socialist agenda.
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DPE: In your book, Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True, you condemn meditation and yoga because you say it empties the body and allows Satan to enter. What is your advice to people who want to meditate?
Mr. Jackson: While I myself have not seen satan enter bodies while they are doing Yoga, I have talked to people who know people who have seen that happen. Satan just loves Yoga. And he loves yougurt as well. And as we all know yogurt is a foreign food, and like all foreign foods it corrupts Americans. Satan can easily enter a home in the form of hummus, ravioli, or even a Greek salad.
DPE: Uh, I think you are confusing yoga and yogurt, but let’s move on. What is it you have against meditation?
Mr. Jackson: Well mediation tries to bridge differences between groups, usually an evil group like a labor union and a good pious group like a business. And further more the government even has a mediation service, and if I am elected I will work to see that all mediation is removed from our lives.
DPE: Uh, I think you are confusing mediation and meditation, but let’s move on again. In your ministry you collect a lot of money for yourself, like “Bishop’s Birthday,” “Bishop & 1st Lady Wedding Anniversary,” “Founder’s Week (& Too Much Blessing Seed)” and “Bishop’s Vacation”. Do you have any concerns this might be interpreted as using church contributions for your own benefit?
Mr. Jackson: You know the mark of a pious man is one who gives his wife a nice anniversary present, or takes her on a nice vacation. An I believe that a Divine presence has ordained that my congregation provide me with these things. Most of these people are poor, and about the only pleasure in life many of them have is providing me with things that they themselves can’t have. And in return I am able to give them a weekly lecture on how evil gays, liberals, Democrats, and Muslims are. I call that my “This Week in Tolerance” lecture.
DPE: Let’s turn to financial matters. According to your interview with Ms.Woodruff in NRO Online, For those with financial difficulties,
meditation on Scripture verses promising wealth. What about things like credit counseling or
laws that protect people from being scammed or cheated. Should government be involved here? Jackson
Mr. Jackson: If government gets involved in this area it is taking over an area that is really the province of religion. Religion will not only protect people from financial harm, it will also provide them with a really good income, as it does for me. When government gets involved in doing things like consumer protection, which is really God’s work then we no longer have separation of church and state. I think any consumer protection laws violate the Constitution. About the only thing right here is the special tax breaks the government provides for members of the clergy. Those tax breaks are clearly mandated by the Supreme Being.
DPE: Again from the NRO article,
Jackson used quotes from George Washington, James
Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln to argue that ’s
founders wanted Christianity to have a prominent role in public discourse. Since Christianity is not mentioned in either
the Declaration or the Constitution, why do you think the founding fathers
wanted Christianity in government? America
Mr. Jackson: Well look, isn’t it obvious. Christianity is the only true religion so of course they wanted government to sponsor and support it. But you know, I think there were a couple of Jews and maybe some other people who were not Christians involved here, so they just left that stuff out so as not to irritate the unbelievers. And what people don’t understand is that the concept of Freedom of Religion means people can choose to be Methodists, or Baptists or Congregationalist, really whatever Protestant sect they want to belong to. When godless liberals argue that the Constitution provides religious freedom for all faiths they are just trying to destroy what everyone knows is the true religion.
DPE: Turning to the gay community, you have said some pretty strong things against them. Do you regret that now that you are running for public office?
Mr. Jackson: I don’t think I will lose any votes in the gay community. They know what they are doing is wrong and they appreciate that I have the courage to say so. Every gay person I meet, well I mean, I haven’t met any yet, but if I did meet one I am sure he or she would support me. After all, I don’t think they should be put in prison for being gay, just condemned to eternal damnation and that they should rot in hell in the afterlife. The makes me a moderate in the Republican party.
DPE: Do you believe in evolution or creationism?
Mr. Jackson: Monkeys don’t reproduce humans. Monkeys reproduce monkeys.
DPE: Well thanks for your time, anything you would like to add?
Mr. Jackson: Do you know anybody at Harvard? I keep getting letters from them saying they either want my law degree back, or if not, that I should not ever tell anyone I got a law degree from Harvard. I may need some help here.