On a Slow News Days, Here’s Stories of Things That Didn’t Happen

But They Could

Republicans in the House of Representatives suddenly reversed their position on cutting taxes when their program was embraced by President Obama.  The GOP had said they were unanimous in their support to allow greater charitable contributions deductions until the President stated he agreed with their position.  “We are not going to let the President get his way on a tax break even if it is one we support” said House Majority leader Cantor.  “That’s just not us.”

The major television networks announced that they had reached agreement that at least one Sunday each calendar quarter they would not allow Senators John McCain or Lindsey Graham on the Sunday talk shows.  Senator McCain reacted by calling for an armed assault on CBS and Senator Graham was reported to be sulking and unavailable for comment.

The NRA has taken a position on allowing Americans to own Sherman tanks.  The pro-gun organization said the 2^nd Amendment guaranteed that right, and that Washington had led troops to victory at Yorktown just to protect the right of all Americans to drive a combat ready tank to Wal-Mart.  “If this is not allowed” said a press release, “Americans will have lost every right they ever had. 

Suffering through a bad basketball season the University of Kentucky has applied for admission to the NBA.  School officials said they were operating a pro team in all but name only, and that the higher revenues generated by being an NBA franchise would enable the University to upgrade its facilities, particularly the dorm dedicated to the football team which has not had a major improvement since 2011.

At their most recent conference Conservatives blasted the policy of allowing the Federal government to take over health care.  This was followed by a unanimous declaration that states should decline to set up and operate the health care exchanges mandated by the new health care reform law, and to let the Federal government organize and operate those exchanges.  “How can we be against Federal takeover of health care if we don’t let them take over health care?” a prominent Conservative noted.

The Republican Party today announced victory in its War on Women, saying it had women’s rights on the run and were confident that in the near future they could enact government policy to completely control women’s health care.  The Party said the victory against women’s rights would now allow them to concentrate resources on the War on the Poor, and that ending Medicaid expansion, cutting unemployment benefits, ceasing job training and other actions would enable them at long last to produce the Mitt Romney vision of America they all cherished.  Mr. Romney was unable to comment, as he was attending one of the 57 Board of Directors meetings he signed up for, along with designing a new car elevator for one of his mansions.

New Texas Senator Ted Cruz (R) has received accolades for resurrecting the practices of Joe McCarthy.  Senator Cruz’s innuendo and unfounded accusations against Defense Secretary nominee Hagel have earned him the admiration and praise of old time Conservatives, who felt the Republican Party was going soft on Communism and slandering.  

Fundamentalist Religious leaders of all faiths will be gathering next week to deal with the continuing problems of abuse of women and children in their ranks.  The focus will be on how the various groups can keep their practices from becoming public knowledge and subject to the law.  A key part of the program will be the efforts to make abuse of women and children legal as part of the exercise of Freedom of Religion.

Following the news of leveraged buyouts of Dell and Heinz, Fox News announced that it would seek funding to take the Republican party private, and operate it as a wholly owned subsidiary of Fox News. 

The austerity programs that are wrecking the economies of Greece, Spain and Portugal were declared a resounding success by British Conservatives, who said they just hoped England would be able to do as well. 

and finally

Actress Ashely Judd is seriously considering a run for the United States Senate from Kentucky, and  has already been the subject of withering ads from Karl Rove’s billionaire conservative attack dog organization.  As a result, Ms. Judd’s name recognition has risen from about 10% to over 90%, and her approval rating has reached a new high.  “On behalf of Democrats everywhere I want to thank Mr. Rove and his group for all that they have done to elect Democrats” Ms. Judd said, and “I just hope he will continue to do what he has been doing.”