VP Mike Pence Will Not Dine Alone with a Woman Not His Wife Because . . . .

And Other Snarky Comments on the News

1. It has been reported that Vice President Mike Pence will not dine alone with a woman not his wife.  The cover story is that he does not want to be tempted to undertake adultery.  The real reason is that after extensive searching his staff, friends and relatives have been unable to find a woman other than his wife who is willing to dine with him, either alone or with others.  When asked about this a one would be diner stated that it was crazy to dine alone with Pence, doing so would result in a total loss of appetite.  It is not true that upon hearing this Trump said he would be happy to provide Pence with some of his castoffs.

2. Acting* Attorney General Beauregard Sessions is removing the Justice Department from oversight activities with respect to local police actions that kill unarmed black men.  Sessions did not say that where he comes from killing unarmed minorities is a long honored tradition and like flying the Confederate flag and segregating schools the government should not interfere in American traditions. 

*Acting because nobody believes he is really the AG

3. Conservatives today unveiled new health care regulations that would allow only healthy people to purchase health insurance.  Their goal is to lower premiums and they say that after much investigation they have determined that having to pay out benefits is the number one cause of high health insurance costs.

4. Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner is said to be in talks to incorporate himself and allow a Chinese syndicate to purchase 40% of him.  “It will cut out the middle man” he did not say.

5. House Republican investigations will center on whether or not Hilary Clinton’s private e-mail server was used to spy on Donald Trump during the campaign.  When informed that this was not technically possible the House Republicans said “That’s what they said about Noah’s Flood not causing the erosion that created the Grand Canyon, and look at what science says now.

6. President Trump and Kentucky Republican Senator Mitch McConnell touted the fact that a coal mine in Corbin hired a part time worker to sweep up coal dust and dump it in a nearby river.  “Now that’s what we’re talking about” the two men did not say.

7. In North Carolina both Republicans and Democrats admitted that they ‘sold out’ the rights of the LGBT community but defended their actions saying that since the NCAA Tidley Winks Championship was now awarded to the Greater Greensboro Waffle House franchise it was worth it.

8. Following the end of the NCAA Basketball Championship two of the 68 teams in the field reported that some reserve players had actually returned to the classrooms.  The NCAA released a statement saying this was a record number and that in the future they would try to determine why classroom attendance mattered.