Interview with Alan Turing – One of the Fathers of the Modern Computer, World War II Hero and, Yes, Gay Person

How Being Gay Has Made the Modern Computer What It is Today

In the wake of Harvard academic Niall Ferguson’s disgusting comments that somehow Keynes’s sexuality and private life was and is a major factor in modern macro-economics, The Dismal Political Economist wondered that maybe computers were suffering from the same problem.  See one of the persons who contributed to the development of the digital computer was a British war hero named Alan Turning. 

Mr. Turing was a hero because his work in developing primitive (by today’s standards) computers to break German codes in WWII probably saved thousands of lives.  But Mr. Turing was gay and suffered greatly from being gay because of an oppressive British society.  So given the fact that Mr. Ferguson is a noted and highly esteemed academic, if as he says sexuality is infused in Keynesian economics, maybe sexuality is infused in the modern computer.

So this Forum sat down with Mr. Turing (despite the fact he has been deceased lo these many decades) to ask him about how he made computers gay related.

17. When you were designing the basic digital computer did you deliberately insert gayness into the machine.

Mr. Turing:  Oh yes, everyone knows that computers can be either gay or straight, and I certainly wasn’t going to have a straight computer, that would be perverse.

17. Can you give us some examples of gayness in modern computing?

Mr. Turning:  Well just look at the sleek, sensual design of an Apple computer.  Those are definitely gay machines.  And IBM, what do you think those initials stand for?  Say the letters I B M slowly.  And aren’t you fondling your mouse as we speak?

17. Uh, let’s leave that aside.  Did gayness motivate you to develop the computer that broke the German codes?

Mr. Turing:  Well yes.  As a British citizen I was driven to protect my country and countrymen.  And Germany of course wanted to persecute and murder gay people, much like I think your country has with the Westboro Church in Kansas.  That’s ‘kill the gays’ thing is a pretty good motivator, heck even straight people joined in fighting that.

17. Has gay terminology infiltrated computers?

Mr. Turning:  Absolutely.  Think about what “Microsoft” means.  And you have “input devices” and “output devices”.  And aren’t there a lot of instructions that include the phrase “plug the male end of the cord into . . . “  My favorite is “spreadsheet”, we really snuck that one in.

17. You are putting us on, aren’t you?

Mr. Turing:  Well based on the comments by Mr. Ferguson, you aren’t very bright, are you.