Alabama Hires Former East German Secret Police to Enforce New Immigration Law

“We Needed People who Are Experienced in Harassing Citizens and Foreigners Alike,” State Officials Explain.

News That Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

The State of Alabama has recently enacted a anti-illegal immigration law that allows police to arrest people who do not carry papers that show proof of citizenship. The law also requires people to prove they are in the United States legally before they can go to school, or check out a library book or sign up for electrical service.  The law makes teachers, social workers, landlords, small business owners and librarians de facto immigration police.

However it was clear to Alabama officials that this was not enough.  For example an executive with Honda had all charges dismissed after he was taken into custody for possible violation of the law.

A judge has acted to put a Japanese employee of Honda Motor Company out of his misery by dismissing immigration charges against him, three days after he was booked under Alabama's new immigration laws that have been billed as the most swingeing in America

An unnamed Alabama public safety officer was horrified that the Japanese employee got set free by a liberal cry baby judge.  So in order to improve law enforcement that official has hired former members of Stasi, East Germany’s famous secret police.  The new hires will be specifically charged with maximum enforcement of the new law.

The Dismal Political Economist spoke with the official and here is the results of that conversation.

17. Why the Stasi, weren’t American police officers available?

1. They were, but we felt we needed the experience that former totalitarian communist secret police could bring.  They know how to approach people, how to intimate them, how to demand they produce their papers in a manner that will make any person here, illegal or not immediately comply.

17. Are you worried they will be too harsh?

1. How can anyone be too harsh on someone who may be in this country illegally?  We have asked them not to shoot anybody, and to keep blows to the body and lower extremities so that injuries will not show.  They were quite nice about agreeing to do this.

17. How do they know who to approach?

1. They have full discretion, but with their past experience they know how to indentify suspicious people.  They will focus on people who have funny accents, people who are not tall or dress funny.  But most of all they will focus on people who are not white.  We have had trouble with non-whites before in our history, we know what to do.

17. What safeguards are built into the enforcement process?

1. Anyone who is arrested cannot be held in confinement for longer than five days without a bathroom break.  And because it is hot in Alabama in the summer a table fan will be provided for 30 minutes a day when a person is detained. 

17. What about children, will the secret police go after persons younger than 18?

1. Absolutely, we need to intimidate children of immigrants who are in this country legally so they will tell all their friends to stay away.  And if we can keep those children from getting an education then the increased supply of janitors and lawn care workers will mean greater economic growth for the state.

17. Any regrets on this policy?

1. Yes, we just wish we had thought of this 50 years ago.  Things would certainly have gone differently for Alabama.  You can just imagine how effectively these Stasi guys would have dealt with all those outside, bleeding heart agitators back then.