Dear DPE: ‘What is a So-Called Judge’ and Other Questions We Get

Not Confused Yet?  You Will Be After These Answers

Editor’s note:  In an attempt to soothe and clarify the public the DPE will answer questions from readers.

Dear DPE:

I know the Constitution pretty well but I now see that President Trump has identified at least one ‘so-called’ federal judge.  Can you tell me what they are as I can find no reference to that category in any government documents?

Legal Eagle in Seattle

Dear Legal Eagle:  A so-called judge is one that issues an order or opinion that conflicts with what Donald Trump wants.  After doing so the judge is consigned to be held at a Cuban prison until he or she has issued three consecutive orders or opinions that Trump find acceptable.  Although this is unconstitutional Trump says it’s okay because he knows the Constitution better than anyone.

Dear DPE:

I live in Bowling Green and am thankful that Trump and Kellyanne have pulled the covers off the horrific massacre that occurred here.  What can I do to keep the memory alive?

Coal Miner’s Illegitimate Son

Dear Illegitimate:  There’s a lot you can do.  Order a Whopper every time you go out to eat.  Have a Pinocchio Film Festival at least once a month.  Adopt the Lyre as the city’s official instrument.   And watch the Seinfeld episode on a weekly basis where George says “It’s not a lie if you believe it”. 

Dear DPE:

I live in public housing and am worried the new HUD Secretary will not keep the property in good shape.  Should I be concerned?

Unfortunate in Baltimore

Dear Unfortunate:   You won’t have a problem.  Dr. Carson has vowed to eliminate all public housing and tear it down and replace it with miniature golf courses.  So you don’t have to worry about the condition of your housing, it won’t be there in a couple of months.  And watch out for the windmill on the 12th hole.

Dear DPE:

I am an illegal alien and I voted five times in the last election.  Should I be worried?

Maria from Monterrey

Dear Maria:  You have no problem, you don’t exist except in the imagination of the head of the government.

Dear DPE:

I am a contractor and want to get in on the building of the Wall.  How do I do that?

Harvey Wallbanger in Tucson

Dear Harvey:  Well you could go through the bidding process but we all know there aint’ gonna be one.  So our advice is do the following.  Book a suite for a week in any Trump hotel; buy out the local supply of Ivanka clothing items; Join Mar-a-Lago and host a fundraiser for the billionaire cabinet member of your choice; and bow before Zod Trump.  That ought to do it.  Oh, a just a word of advice.  Get paid in advance.