Exclusive – The Questionnaire for Applying for the Head of the FBI

Some of What the Administration is Asking Prospective Candidates

1. Which of the following best describes your background in law enforcement?

1. Bodyguard at Mar-a-Lago
2. Beat up a protester at Trump campaign rally
3. Charter member of the organization “Kill a Muslim for Christ”.
4. Acquitted of illegally grazing your cattle on federal lands

2. If nominated and confirmed your first act will be to

1. Pledge allegiance to President Trump
2. Gather evidence that Russia conspired with the Clinton campaign.
3. Put Hillary Clinton in jail.
4. Find out if Sally Yates southern accent is real

3. What best describes your physical stature

1. I am shorter than Sean Spicer
2. I am shorter than Sally Yates
3. I am shorter than Jeff Sessions
4. I am the shortest person ever to hold the post

4. If you discover there are illegal tapings of White House conversation you will

1. Declare them to be the work of Richard Nixon
2. Declare them to be the work of Hillary Clinton
3. Manufacture evidence that it is the work of Barack Obama
4. Keep quiet unless the information becomes public.

5. Your view of Saturday Night Live is (please note one answer will disqualify your application)

1. It violates the Constitutional ban on establishment of a religion.
2. It has no viewers and reports of high ratings are a conspiracy by the media
3. A FISA order can be obtained to keep it off the air
4. It is funny as hell

6. The proper role of Vladimir Putin in the Trump administration is

1. Head of the CIA
2. Security head for Trump Tower
3. Chief Banker for Trump Enterprises
4. The ideal person to smack Chuck Schumer
5. The perfect son-in-law if Ivanka decides to dump Jared

7. An election is deemed false if it

1. results in a Democratic candidate winning
2. results in the highest vote getter winning when that person is not a Republican
3. Allows citizens of Hispanic heritage to vote in secret
4. Lets non-Republican candidates run.