The Rick Santorum Interview: “I want to ban marriage between a man and woman”

“Allow That and Next We Have Marriage Between a Space Alien and a Cocker Spaniel”

Editor’s Note:  The following is a transcript of an interview The Dismal Political Economist did not have with Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.  Mr. Santorum did not agree to an interview, primarily because he was never asked.  However if he did do the interview it could likely go as follows.

Q:  Mr. Santorum, how have  your views on marriage evolved now that you are running for President?

A:  As you know, I am violently opposed to same sex marriage, the damage it would do to people who are totally unaffected by other people marrying would be enormous.  However, as I have thought more about it, I now believe marriage should be banned when it is between opposite sex marriage.

Q:  You mean between a man and woman?

A:  Yes, and not only that, also between a woman and a man.

Q:  What is your concern?

A:  Well if you allow marriage between a man and woman or between a woman and a man you now open up the concept of marriage to anyone.  Allow that and next we have marriage between a space alien and a cocker spaniel.  There would be nothing that could stop that once we allow marriage between a man and a woman.

Q:  Do you really believe that there are aliens who want to marry dogs?

A:  Absolutely, where do you think E. T. came from?  I mean that may have been the result of marriage between two aliens, or between an alien and a heterosexual person or who knows, maybe a cocker spaniel was involved.  We have to stop this now.

Q:  I think E. T. was a fictional character in a movie, but moving on, would you allow any exceptions to your ban on marriage?

A:  Well yes, if I am elected President opposite sex couples can apply directly to me and I will review the situation and I may give them the right to marry.

Q:  How would you make that decision?

A:  Well I would have the FBI and the CIA do a thorough investigation of the couple, and delve deeply into their lives.  They would have to provide me with a detailed description of their personal lives.  After I have the report I would decide if they have lived the right kind of life, and if so I would grant them the right to marry.  But that right would be subject to a probation period in which surveillance of 24/7 would take place to make sure they are behaving correctly.

Q:  Who decides correct behavior?

A:  Well I do.  My whole campaign is based on the principle that I alone know what is morally correct behavior for Americans and that the Federal government’s role is to enforce that behavior.  Have you not been paying attention?  If elected I get to decide how people should live their lives, and if they disagree, well they can just go to some other country, though they wont find the freedom that they have here.

As you know I strongly believe in the bible, and I will try to implement biblical punishments, like stoning of people who commit adultery and cutting off the hand of a thief.  If that type of justice was good enough for the people of the Bible it is certainly good enough for Americans.

Q:  Uh, that sounds an awful lot like fundamental Islam.

A:  Absolutely not, I consider radical Islam an enemy of this country.  They are the type of people who want to impose their radical religious law on the people of this country, and that is just not acceptable.  What I would impose is the law as dictated by my own personal religious beliefs, that is something entirely different.

Q:  Are you worried at all about the Constitutional aspects of your program?

A:  Why? Newt Gingrich has said that the President doesn’t have to obey any law that he thinks is wrong, and that position has been accepted by other Conservative writers who want to preserve the rule of law in this country.  They know the law is what the President says it is, and that court rulings have no right to impose themselves on citizens in a lawful society.

Besides, if you look at the history of the Constitution, it is quite clear that the Founders intended for the President to determine who could or could not get married.  Really it’s in the Federalist Papers.  John Adams never was married, just to show his support of my concept.

Q:  Uh, I think Adams was married, to a very intelligent woman if history is correct.  But where in the Constitution are the powers vested in the Presidency that you would use?

A:  Well they may not be there now, but I would amend the Constitution if necessary.  As you know the President can do this if he is doing so for a moral reason.

Q:  One last question Mr. Santorum, if you do not win the election what are your plans?

A:  I have already been approached to run for President of Iran.  A number of the Iranian clergy have told me my views are perfectly in sync with theirs, and that my positions would be welcomed and supported by the Ayatollah’s.