What We Think Mr. Jackson Might Have Said Had He Agreed to
an Interview
Editors note: The
following is not an interview with Republican E. W. Jackson, a Harvard Law Grad
and minister who has just been made the nominee of that party for Lt.
Governor in the fall elections in Virginia.
In an incredible turn of events, the Republican nominee for
Lt. Governor in
Virginia
is making more news and getting more attention than the Republican nominee for
Governor. The reason is that the Lt.
Governor nominee, Rev. E. W. Jackson has a rather
radical
past in terms of his strong right wing views. He hates gays, he compares Planned Parenthood
unfavorably to the Klu Klux Klan, and of course like all radical conservatives
he believes President Obama secretly sympathizes with Muslim extremists.
This Forum would have requested a formal interview with Mr.
Jackson, but since neither he nor anyone else has ever heard of The Dismal
Political Economist we thought it would be more accurate to make stuff up. So here is what we think such an interview might
have been like. The information on Mr.
Jackson is largely from
a profile by Betsy Woodruff in NRO Online, a
conservative website.
DPE: Mr. Jackson, you
have said that Planned Parenthood has been worse for African Americans than the
Klu Klux Klan. Can you explain?
Mr. Jackson: Well the
KKK assaulted, mutilated and killed African Americans. Now Planned Parenthood
provides access to abortions for women, which just because that is a lawful
practice doesn’t mean women should be allowed to have abortions or control over
their own bodies. But Planned Parenthood
is worse than the KKK because it also provides health care for low income
women, many of whom are African Americans.
This fosters a sense of dependency in those women, and as a result they
become slaves to Planned Parenthood and get health they otherwise could not
afford. It would be far better for these
women to die of disease and lack of adequate treatment than to get health
services from people who just want to pursue their socialist agenda.
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Mr. Jackson: While I myself have not seen satan enter bodies while they are doing Yoga, I have talked to people who know people who have seen that happen. Satan just loves Yoga. And he loves yougurt as well. And as
we all know yogurt is a foreign food, and like all foreign foods it corrupts
Americans. Satan can easily enter a home
in the form of hummus, ravioli, or even a Greek salad.
DPE: Uh, I think you
are confusing yoga and yogurt, but let’s move on. What is it you have against meditation?
Mr. Jackson: Well
mediation tries to bridge differences between groups, usually an evil group
like a labor union and a good pious group like a business. And further more the government even has a
mediation service, and if I am elected I will work to see that all mediation is
removed from our lives.
DPE: Uh, I think you
are confusing mediation and meditation, but let’s move on again. In your ministry you collect a lot of money
for yourself, like “Bishop’s Birthday,” “Bishop & 1st Lady Wedding
Anniversary,” “Founder’s Week (& Too Much Blessing Seed)” and “Bishop’s
Vacation”. Do you have any concerns this
might be interpreted as using church contributions for your own benefit?
Mr. Jackson: You know
the mark of a pious man is one who gives his wife a nice anniversary present,
or takes her on a nice vacation. An I
believe that a Divine presence has ordained that my congregation provide me
with these things. Most of these people
are poor, and about the only pleasure in life many of them have is providing me
with things that they themselves can’t have.
And in return I am able to give them a weekly lecture on how evil gays,
liberals, Democrats, and Muslims are. I
call that my “This Week in Tolerance” lecture.
DPE: Let’s turn to
financial matters. According to your interview with Ms.Woodruff in NRO Online, For those with financial difficulties, Jackson recommends
meditation on Scripture verses promising wealth. What about things like credit counseling or
laws that protect people from being scammed or cheated. Should government be involved here?
Mr. Jackson: If
government gets involved in this area it is taking over an area that is really
the province of religion. Religion will
not only protect people from financial harm, it will also provide them with a
really good income, as it does for me.
When government gets involved in doing things like consumer protection,
which is really God’s work then we no longer have separation of church and
state. I think any consumer protection
laws violate the Constitution. About the
only thing right here is the special tax breaks the government provides for
members of the clergy. Those tax breaks
are clearly mandated by the Supreme Being.
DPE: Again from the
NRO article, Jackson used quotes from George Washington, James
Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln to argue that America’s
founders wanted Christianity to have a prominent role in public discourse. Since Christianity is not mentioned in either
the Declaration or the Constitution, why do you think the founding fathers
wanted Christianity in government?
Mr. Jackson: Well
look, isn’t it obvious. Christianity is
the only true religion so of course they wanted government to sponsor and
support it. But you know, I think there
were a couple of Jews and maybe some other people who were not Christians
involved here, so they just left that stuff out so as not to irritate the
unbelievers. And what people don’t
understand is that the concept of Freedom of Religion means people can choose
to be Methodists, or Baptists or Congregationalist, really whatever Protestant
sect they want to belong to. When godless
liberals argue that the Constitution provides religious freedom for all faiths
they are just trying to destroy what everyone knows is the true religion.
DPE: Turning to the
gay community, you have said some pretty strong things against them. Do you regret that now that you are running
for public office?
Mr. Jackson: I don’t
think I will lose any votes in the gay community. They know what they are doing is wrong and
they appreciate that I have the courage to say so. Every gay person I meet, well I mean, I haven’t
met any yet, but if I did meet one I am sure he or she would support me. After all, I don’t think they should be put
in prison for being gay, just condemned to eternal damnation and that they
should rot in hell in the afterlife. The
makes me a moderate in the Republican party.
DPE: Do you believe
in evolution or creationism?
Mr. Jackson: Monkeys
don’t reproduce humans. Monkeys
reproduce monkeys.
DPE: Well thanks for
your time, anything you would like to add?
Mr. Jackson: Do you
know anybody at Harvard? I keep getting
letters from them saying they either want my law degree back, or if not, that I
should not ever tell anyone I got a law degree from Harvard. I may need some help here.