In Virginia Republicans refused to confirm the appointment to a judgeship of an openly gay
individual because they believed he could not be a fair and impartial judge,
because he was gay. (It is a well confirmed point that openly gay people are bigoted and prejudiced. No wait, that's the characteristic of anti-gay people). After this
successful effort to bar the man from the bench, Republicans in Virginia announced that
from now on they would only confirm judges who were Caucasian males.
“Women cannot be counted to rule
fairly in a trial involving a man and a woman” a spokesperson said, “and it is
well known that African American judges always rule in favor of African
Americans and against white people, while a male Caucasian judge is fully
capable of acting fairly”.
It was unconfirmed that Mitt Romney was thinking about not
taking a position on the issue, but that he might reconsider and take both positions.
After it was revealed
that J. P. Morgan Chase lost $2 billion in a set of complex financial transaction,
the Board of Directors decided to reward CEO Jamie Dimon with a $10 million
bonus. The rationale that the Board gave
was that Mr. Dimon prevented the bank from losing $5 billion, and therefore in
their minds he saved the bank $3 billion and deserves commendation and a big
bonus.
Legislators in Utah,
Mississippi and Alabama have banded together to propose a program of
eliminating general elections, and having the winner of the Republican primary
for any office declared the winner of the general election. According to officials this would save
taxpayer money from having a general election where the outcome was already
known.
Attempts to reach Democratic Party officials for comments
were not successful, as no Democratic party officials could be found in any of
the three states.
German Chancellor
Angela Merkel went on record today favoring a new economic program in Greece . She thinks that if Greece
has a weekly bake sale, the proceeds from those wonderful Greek pastries will
be enough to save the Greek economy and offset the billions of reductions in
social programs that she is demanding of Greece . If the bake sale didn’t completely work, she
said, then a garage sale would certainly bring in more than enough money. For this reason Germany
has maintained it will not budge from its insistence on more austerity for Greece .
General Motors has
determined that advertising on Facebook was not effective and that they
company would not longer waste advertising dollars buying ads on Facebook. Facebook executives responded by saying
General Motors would be ‘de-friended’ on the site and would no longer be
invited to spend money on useless items and games delivered by the site. GM stock rose on the news.
In East Fork, Idaho
Jackie Helmitz is running for city council.
She is a strong conservative and running on a platform to totally eliminate
the government of East Fork. Ms. Helmitz
went to the post office last week and was surprised to received a check for $17,
356,722.91 as a campaign contribution from the Karl Rove PAC. In the
accompanying letter Mr. Rove apologized for not being able to send more, and
said that if Helmitz did later require more funding he would ask some of the
more wealthier contributors to his PAC to help, as they had felt $17million+
was just not large enough for them to get involved with.
Newt Gingrich was
hospitalized briefly, suffering an acute case of Lack of Attention and
Withdrawal of Media Fawning Syndrome symptoms.
Hospital officials said they were able to treat the condition by
promising Mr. Gingrich that he could be among the first moon colonists.
Nice post!
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